Foreign Penises And Criminal Implications (More Tales from the Overnight) (03/08/06)

Call it the curse of the overnight. Along with a daily variety of stupid human tricks and occasional corpses , my night as a wage slave is bound to include gross displays of too much information that make the average person wish they'd be reincarnated as Helen Keller.

Being that I'm 5 days away from taking my yearly sabbatical, it seems a good time to dedicate a post to those special few who use the world (or at least my store) as a confessional booth and bring a heaping helping of full disclosure overexposure to my midnight madness.

Cool Breeze- Yet another binge drinking college kid. (yawn) With his pants open. (double yawn). What elevated C. B. from the rank and file is that he is the only example of type that asked me to help close his pants. (Vulgar requests for me to help remove them just provide easy targets for snarking practice.) Apparently somewhere in his night of debauchery he had broken his zipper and was now begging for my help getting himself fastened again, as he couldn't possibly go home in his current state being that he wasn't wearing underwear. After I made the obvious notice that it sounded like a personal problem and that he really should get his pending indecent exposure charge to the bathroom, he added a lovely bit of exposition:

"It's tiny. I'm not trying to hit on you. It's so small you won't even get flashed. I just need help pulling this up."

I managed to resist the urge to the laugh and passed him a safety pin before sending him on his way. The sad part is that I'm inclined to believe him that he really wasn't a really sleazy pick up artist, as no guy in their rational mind would make their opening line involve any synonym of the words "toddler dick". To support the hypothesis, who would panic about driving home covering a broken fly with their shirt tail, but have zero problem playing penile peek a boo in public places except some fresh from the farm college dumb ass who's had one too many beer funnels?

True Love Is A Carton Of Newports- Drunken stumbling couple comes in during what I occasionally call the puking power action hour (i.e. after the bars close). After purchasing some stuff and lurching toward the door, the female of the species announces "That's why I love him....he lights my smokes and he has a big dick!" After all of the talk about the death of romance, isn't it just heartwarming to see a happy young couple with such sterling priorities?

Excuse Me Officer, May I Get an Escort?- This bit didn't come out firsthand, but it certainly belongs here. I have a regular older guy, probably about 60, he's a pain in the ass because he's always trying to scam free shit, but some of the other drunks are far worse. Everytime he comes in, he's always buying a ton of shit for his girlfriend and bubbles on for a good while about how hot his latest conquest is. I've yet to learn to control that involuntary eye roll reflex, but he's too trashed to notice.

He goes missing for decent stretches of time and I always hoped he's moved away, but he always comes back, just like Cher. I happened to talk to one of the local cops about it and I got an explanation.

Apparently, old boy goes into a nearby town to score his hooker girlfriends and Viagra and takes them back to his house. Street hookers don't survive long without a bit of enterprising ruthlessness, so they get the guy drunk and proceed to steal everything that isn't nailed down. Geriatric lothario comes to, realized his wallet, cash, T.V. and car are missing and calls the cops. They then promptly arrest him for solicitation of prostitution and possession of a prescription drug without the prescription. Lather, rinse, repeat, every single time he gets out of jail. Apparently this has been going on for years now, and probably continue until the old guy dies or ends up on one of those America's Dumbest Criminals TV specials.

On second thought, it'll stop only when this guy dies. TV exposure and the resulting mass fan base of $2 whores would only encourage him into trying to extend his 15 minutes of fame by asking uniformed cops where to buy a line or writing a robbery hold up note on the back of his own canceled check.

Another Gossipy Bit For Slavering Celebrity News Sluts- After yet another local festival of second rate has beens and never weres, a certain young latin R+B singer and his even less famous rapper collaborator offered sexual favors to a cabbie because they couldn't pay the fare. The cabbie ( a huge badass biker chick) laughed it off by saying she didn't bother with short guys and said rapper offered to make up for his lack of height, cash for the ride and vaguely Down Syndrome face via certain tongue related skills. Being that his other oral skills were likely as poor as his speak and spell "my first thesaurus" version of rapping, the Harley riding livery lady was smart enough to demand the pair produce the cash.




Though I doubt either of these flashes in the pan that can't even pick up their own transport tab has the cash to sue me, I'm not naming names. Unlike my customers, I've been privy to way too many displays that were enough to make anyone in their right mind head for the nearest eyeball and eardrum acid bath, thus I realize the perils of giving out what would certainly be WAY too much information.